


may these memories break our fall

by heylovely_itsme



Category: The West Wing
Genre: Episode: s04e05 Debate Camp, Episode: s05e02 The Dogs of War, Multi, OH- cj is bi in this, i know this is such a rare ship but!!! i would die for it so, so is andy, so this is right after they find zoey, with flashbacks to debate camp
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-17
Updated: 2020-10-17
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:15:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,534
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27055543
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heylovely_itsme/pseuds/heylovely_itsme
Summary: CJ pictured Toby and Andy as parents, raising little kids as only the two of them could. Toby teaching the kids how to read and write, Andy bringing the babies into work with her. Teaching them that the world was their oyster, that anything was possible. Armed with red hair, brilliant minds, and undoubtedly fiery spirits, there was no doubt in her mind that the Wyatt-Ziegler twins would change the world.And the two of them were going to be remarkable parents, strong and loving and caring in the ways their own parents hadn’t always been. Toby had wanted this for so long, though he was terrified of messing it up. Andy had wanted it for even longer.You wanted it too, a little voice whispered. CJ ignored it.(CJ goes to visit Andy after the twins are born.)
Relationships: C. J. Cregg/Andrea Wyatt, C. J. Cregg/Andrea Wyatt/Toby Ziegler, C. J. Cregg/Toby Ziegler
Comments: 12
Kudos: 24





	may these memories break our fall

**Author's Note:**

> this fic is just me crying about these three for 4k. i hope you like it!! it was GOING to be part of a longer piece but i decided to post it, and then make it into a series when i write more. i will literally die of happiness if anyone wants to scream with me about this ship, i love them SO MUCH. 
> 
> come talk to me on tumblr @loudwithlaughter, i'm talking about tww 99.9% of the time and would be THRILLED to talk more about my many headcanons and thoughts about them. 
> 
> shoutout to @smallblueandloud for introducing me to this ot3!! thank you so much for that- you kind of inspired this fic with our many conversations about the HEARTBREAK of this ship and their kids.
> 
> title from “long live” by taylor swift

This wasn’t a surprise. CJ had been preparing herself for the news since they got married, almost a decade ago, so why did she feel like her heart was about to stop? Twins.  _ God. _ She was happy for them, though, she really was. 

CJ pictured Toby and Andy as parents, raising little kids as only the two of them could. Toby teaching the kids how to read and write, Andy bringing the babies into work with her. Teaching them that the world was their oyster, that anything was possible. Armed with red hair, brilliant minds, and undoubtedly fiery spirits, there was no doubt in her mind that the Wyatt-Ziegler twins would change the world. 

And the two of them were going to be remarkable parents, strong and loving and caring in the ways their own parents hadn’t always been. Toby had wanted this for so long, though he was terrified of messing it up. Andy had wanted it for even longer. 

(You wanted it too, a little voice whispered. CJ ignored it.) 

* * *

When she had heard the news for the first time, all those weeks ago, CJ’s mouth had dropped open. The news had snuck up on her, waiting and waiting and waiting then crashing into her like a train, just when she had finally relaxed for the first time in weeks. But this wasn’t about her, or her misplaced jealousy. 

Honestly, she didn't know who she would be jealous of.

But this cold feeling coiled in her chest wasn’t shock or anger, it was regret. Regret like nothing she had ever felt before, like a big blaring sign in her face telling her she made the wrong decision all those years ago. She had chosen wrong the first time she had left them, and every time since- when loneliness or fear or fond memories led the three of them back to each other, she hadn’t given in. She hadn’t let herself imagine what it would be like if she had- not until now.

CJ recovered as quickly as she could, making an offhand comment about t-shirts for Team Toby. Then she walked out of the room, knowing he would follow her. 

He did, a minute later- his face was solemn and still, like he was waiting for her to yell. Like he thought he deserved it, or something. But she wouldn’t. She couldn’t. It would hurt too much to acknowledge her pain, to give a voice to the betrayal she felt. 

Toby ran his eyes over her, looking for any signs of the pain he had caused. He hated hurting her, and she knew that. It didn’t make her feel any better, though. 

“I’m sorry,” he said softly. He moved to touch her hand, but stopped. CJ pretended like she hadn’t heard him say anything. 

“Toby, this- I mean, this is wonderful!” 

Her exclamation sounded fake, even to herself, so she knew he didn’t believe it for a second. Toby could see the desperate need in her eyes- the need for him to pretend, the need for him to believe her. So he smiled, though it was probably more of a grimace. 

They stood there for a second in silence, and he waited for her to say something. He wanted her to scream, to yell, to cry, to do anything except stand there like she had accepted this betrayal. But she didn’t. 

Eventually he walked back to his cabin, beating himself up the whole way. Andy was sitting on the bed when he walked in, and it took Toby a minute to remember to breathe normally. All these years later, and she still left him breathless. She sighed dramatically, a smile playing on her face. 

“Toby,” she said, crossing her legs delicately. 

“Yeah.” 

Toby rubbed his eyes, not bothering to hide his exhaustion. She would pick up on his abrupt mood right away, anyway- she had been able to read him since the day they met, and he would have hated it if he hadn’t loved her for it. 

He sighed, answering her unasked question. 

“I told them. Well, Josh figured it out, and then I told them.” 

Andy nodded slowly. She hadn’t wanted to tell anyone yet. 

(The first trimester, that’s what the doctor had said. That was when most miscarriages occurred. He knew that, they both knew that- but they had never gotten this far in the process to have someone say it to their face. When he heard those words, it felt like someone had punched him in the gut. Andy had looked exactly the same way.) 

He watched her as the lightbulb went off in her head, witnessing the moment she figured out what had happened.

“Tell me you didn’t-“ 

“Yeah.” 

Andy’s eyes widened at his vague admittance. She knew they should have told CJ before the rest of their friends. She had told him that! And he had agreed, before- but they had still ended up here.

“Andy-“ 

She cut him off.

“What possible defense could you have for not telling her? She’s your best friend, you absolute idiot, not to mention the fact that you’re in love with her!”

Toby’s eyes snapped up. 

“So are you.” 

Andy groaned in frustration, and he sighed, already preparing for another lecture. But it didn't come- instead, she patted the space beside her. 

He sat down, staring at the worn pattern of the bedspread for a moment. Toby felt her cold hands picking up his, and she placed them on her stomach. He’d never get used to that feeling, or to the fact that his kids were in there. His  _ kids.  _

The whole thing was still surreal for Toby, what with the multiple proposals she’s turned down, and the fights, and the years of trying- not to mention everything with CJ. But moments like these made it all worth it. The thought of their babies, of raising kids together... nothing had ever made him happier. He held her close as their joint hands rested on her stomach, before lifting her hands up gingerly. 

Toby brought her hands to his lips, kissing her knuckles gently. Andy felt a rush of love for him so intense it almost knocked her over. The feelings hit her like a tidal wave during moments like this. Maybe it was the hormones, she had no idea- but lately, the moments when she remembered why she fell in love with him in the first place had been more frequent than usual. 

Not that she had ever really fallen out of love with him. Was it even possible for her to do that? It didn't feel like it right now, when she thought back to scribbled words on a napkin that made her heart burst, to unexpected coffee dates, to starting playful arguments about the pettiest things just to spend time with one another. 

These moments of peace were precious, now, stolen like a single star from the night sky. A small speck of hope, of  _ love _ in the vast loneliness of their lives. They would have that now, permanently, and no one could take it away.

(Except the fact that they could, the fact that the safest daughter in the country had been ripped away from her home-)

_ No,  _ she reminded herself.  _ Don't think about that.  _ Andy felt for Toby’s hand in the darkness. He had turned off the lights for her, knowing she would fall asleep before she had a chance to. And he had stayed. She grabbed his hand and took a deep breath, trying to clear her mind of the clutter. They were going to be parents, and it was going to be good. It was going to be great.

* * *

CJ felt like she was fraying at the edges. This whole week had been a nightmare- Shareef, Walken, and Zoey. Thank god it was over. She had been on the verge of breaking down, a rubber band stretched too thin and seconds away from snapping. She needed calm. She needed comfort.  _ She needed Andy. _

And she suddenly knew what to do- what she wanted to do, despite all rational thought. CJ walked to the doors of the White House and pushed them open, breathing in the cold air. It never got any less surreal. To be perfectly honest, she didn’t want it to. She had grown too comfortable with the power and the privilege- the act of walking into the Oval Office had become more unremarkable than she had ever imagined. Every once in a while, the reality check didn't hurt.

On her way to the hospital, her mind raced. Toby had proposed. Again. And the babies had been born, and the two of them were parents now, and they were going to get married again and- 

CJ wiped her eyes hastily, taking a deep breath. As she got out of the car, she had to resist the urge to check her reflection in the mirror. Somehow, Andy always made her feel like a teenage girl, sneaking lipstick in the school bathroom to impress her crush. Not that CJ had done that- at least, not until later. Part of the downside of being a bisexual teenager in Dayton, Ohio was- well, everything. But mainly the fact that she had never had a girlfriend until she went to college, just in case someone had found out. 

(Well. That hadn’t really changed, had it? First it was her dad, then it was her college friends, then it was the entire world. No wonder she was so lonely.)

CJ pushed those thoughts to the back of her mind, and walked hesitantly to the front desk. She had to fight against the voice in her head, telling her to check for reporters. Her press secretary instincts had only gotten worse since the second term started, and she hated it. Lately, she hadn’t been able to leave her house without checking for the press- they hadn’t ever camped out on her lawn overnight, but the knowledge didn't stop her from looking. She knew she was just paranoid, but she couldn’t help it anymore then she could stop coming to work in the mornings. 

God, that was a depressing thought. She used to have other constants, other comforts in life. She used to have her friends, who had become her family in those first few years. But then Sam had left and Josh was too focused on work- and whatever the hell he had going on with Amy- to joke around with her. Not to mention the guilt sitting in her stomach every time Josh and Donna had one of their moments, screaming that it was her fault they couldn’t be together. And now, she was going to lose Toby, too.

(It’s not them. It’s you. You’ve pushed them all away.) 

The lady at the front desk stared openly at her, probably trying to place her. CJ drummed her fingers on the counter, smiling awkwardly. 

“Hi, excuse me- where is Andrea Wyatt’s room?” 

She waited a moment before a thought struck her.

“Oh- It might be under Ziegler, sorry.” 

That thought made her stomach turn, and she didn't want to think too hard about why. The lady led her to Andy’s room, and CJ’s heart raced as she peered through the open door. 

Andy was lying back on the hospital bed, propped up on a few pillows. The twins were in her arms, and she was trying- unsuccessfully- to get the TV remote without waking them up. 

CJ let out a sudden gasp at the sight, her eyes sparkling with tears. Andy looked wonderful, eyes full of light as she held her kids. CJ couldn’t remember if she had ever looked this good before- or if she had ever looked this happy. She took a deep breath, trying to get her emotions under control. Why was this making her so sentimental? 

(Because you love her. Because you love him. Because their kids were almost yours, too. Because you almost had a family.) 

_ No, _ CJ thought to herself.  _ I can’t do this now.  _

“Hey, CJ,” Andy whispered from the bed, her voice thick with emotion. CJ couldn’t tell if it was from her presence, from the twins, or from sheer exhaustion. 

“You- you went into labor.” 

Andy nodded slowly, her mouth curling up into a smile. Damn it, what was it about this woman that made it impossible for her to function like a normal human being? 

“Sure seems like it.” 

CJ laughed despite herself, bringing her hands up to cover her mouth. The loud noise seemed out of place in this room, filled with stillness and quiet. This was the most peaceful she had felt since Zoey was kidnapped- since before that, actually. 

Andy smiled wryly, somehow still managing to look absolutely beautiful in a hospital gown. 

“You’re not going to comment on my glow?”

CJ blushed despite herself, shaking her head at Andy’s antics. Even after giving birth, even in this undefined stage of their relationship, she still managed to make her feel at ease. God, she had missed her.

“You look... absolutely radiant,” she said, grinning at the way Andy’s eyes widened. 

She was visibly caught off guard by the level of sincerity in CJ’s comment, but tried to hide it with a laugh. CJ treasured the fact that even after ten-odd years of loving each other, Andy was still taken aback by a simple compliment.

“They found Zoey,” she said, moving closer to her. “I wasn’t sure if you’d heard.” 

Andy let out a sigh of relief, placing her hand on CJ’s. 

“That’s amazing. That’s- oh, thank god.” 

CJ could barely imagine what Andy was going through- giving birth to her kids while the First Daughter goes missing? It must have been absolutely terrifying. 

She turned to go, reluctantly pulling her hand away. Andy held on, though, intertwining her fingers through CJ’s. 

“Claudia Jean, please tell me you did not come all this way just to tell me something that’s going to be in your briefing in a few seconds.” 

CJ raised her eyebrows. “Well, not a few seconds. I haven’t quite mastered the art of teleportation.” 

Andy rolled her eyes fondly, but didn’t move. “Honey-” 

CJ flinched. 

She hated how much one word hurt her, but it did. It reminded her of better times, of Sunday brunches at New York restaurants and heated debates over strategy that inevitably turned into making out. It reminded her of the three of them, always coming back to each other in one way or another. Always, until now. Now, they had a family- without her. 

“CJ,” Andy whispered, her voice pained. 

“Damn it,” she yelped, swiping at her eyes frantically. She freed her hands from Andy’s grip and missed it right away. She tried to smile at her, but couldn’t. 

“I’m sorry, it’s not you- um, I’m really very happy for you guys.” 

CJ tried to smile as her words got choked up in her throat. God, what was wrong with her? If she wanted to lie, she would have to do better than that- Andy could see through her in an instant. It was infuriating, in moments like these. 

“CJ, come here,” she said softly, pulling the other woman closer to her. 

She shifted awkwardly on her feet, but let herself be moved. Andy pulled CJ onto the bed with one hand, still holding the babies with the other. She carefully placed Huck in her arms, smiling at the sight. CJ looked down at the tiny baby in her lap and stopped breathing for a moment. The gravity of the moment hit her all at once- this was her first time holding their kids, the kids of the two people she loved most in the world. And oh, he was so small, and sweet, and vulnerable. How was she ever supposed to leave him?

“Hey,” Andy said, gently threading her fingers through her hair. 

She felt CJ shiver from the touch, and hid a smile.

“Is this okay?” 

Too overwhelmed by emotion to speak, CJ nodded in response. 

“They’re perfect, Andy. They’re the greatest kids I’ve ever seen.” 

“Yeah, they are pretty great, aren’t they?” Grinning, she hugged Molly closer to her chest. 

CJ couldn’t stop herself from smiling back, despite the awkwardness coloring their interaction. Seeing her as a mom just felt right. 

She thought back to their years together- in New York, in Boston, in too many cities for her to remember. She remembered the first time Andy had broached the question of kids to her and Toby, and remembered the enthusiastic response that came soon after. It had taken a few weeks, a few fights, and more than a few tough conversations, but they soon settled on a vision for the future. A plan, for the three of them- for their life together. CJ had never wanted anything more. 

(Never. Until Toby showed up at her home in California and, in a day, convinced her to put her whole life on hold for someone she’d never met. And then, somehow, she’d ended up in the White House.)

CJ wanted to stay in this moment forever, hanging in the balance between the life her job required, and the life her heart ached for. But she couldn’t stop herself from asking the question that had been on her mind all day, though she knew it would shatter the fragile peace they had established.

“So,” she started, already preparing herself for the answer. “Where’s Toby?” 

Andy looked up, eyebrows raised. One of the most startling things about Andy was how quickly she could prepare for a fight. Zero to one hundred, in a second. It never ceased to amaze her- this woman would move mountains for the people she loved, and if she thought someone was questioning her loyalty to them, she wouldn’t hesitate to attack. 

“He’s at work.” 

“Andy-“ 

“He’s at work, CJ! I- What do you want me to say? That I broke his heart and now he’s- God!” 

Her voice broke, turning the last word into a heartbroken exclamation. The sudden burst of noise woke up Molly, who started crying, and Huck, who followed soon after. CJ looked at Andy’s distraught face, and her brows knitted together in concern. Andy wasn’t one to cry easily- well, the experience of giving birth was bound to bring tears, but this seemed different. 

“What do you mean, you broke his heart?” 

She tried to keep all judgement out of her voice, and wondered when she got so out of the loop. Was this why Toby had been so distant these past few days? What exactly had happened? Andy looked up from where she was soothing the twins back to sleep, on the other side of the bed. 

“He didn't tell you?” she said, disbelief creeping into her voice. CJ shook her head, and the other woman sighed. 

“Did you know about the house?” she asked tiredly. 

_ Oh. _ That’s what this was about. 

“You said no,” CJ realized.

Andy sighed bitterly. “I said no.” 

CJ took in a sharp breath. The pieces fell into place, all of Toby’s withdrawn behavior from the last few days finally making sense.

“Did you-” she swallowed, her throat going dry- “Why?” 

Andy gave her a look, indecipherable but disarmingly honest. 

“I was always going to say no, CJ.”

She sounded like she was asking for forgiveness, the desperation in her voice finally breaking through. 

“I said no many, many times and he- he thought I was being cute.” 

Oh, Toby. No wonder he had seemed off lately- Andy had always held the power to turn his world upside down, no matter how long it had been since they had been together. 

“What did you say, when he asked?” CJ asked carefully. 

If she knew Andy- and she did- she wouldn’t have refused gently. 

“Andy-” 

Her face crumpled, and CJ stopped talking. She didn't know what had happened at the house, she didn't know why it was hurting both of them this way, but she did know that she was here. And she needed to help her, somehow. 

CJ moved closer, softly brushing a strand of hair out of Andy’s face. She grabbed CJ’s hand and pulled her into a tight hug. Andy buried her face in her neck, uncharacteristically vulnerable. It felt like coming home. She hadn’t let herself remember what it felt like to be held, to be touched like you were loved by someone. It felt just as good as she remembered.

“Hey,” CJ said soothingly as she hugged her. “Hey, it’s okay.” 

Andy pulled away, embarrassed. 

“It’s fine,” CJ insisted. 

Andy wasn’t usually this emotional, which only increased her concern about what had gone on at the house. 

“I really messed up,” Andy whispered hoarsely a moment later. 

“No-” CJ touched her hand, trying to be reassuring- “You didn't. C’mon, He’ll be fine.” 

Andy shook her head. 

“You weren’t there, CJ. You didn’t hear what I said.” 

“Then tell me!” CJ said, exasperated. 

“You’ll hate me.” Her red hair was matted against her face, and CJ brushed it away with a gentle finger.

“No, I won’t,” she insisted.

Andy stayed silent.

God, was it that bad? The oblivion was driving CJ crazy- what was so hurtful that Andy couldn’t tell her? 

“Did you- was it about me? About the three of us?” Her shoulders tightened with anxiety, imagining what she could have said. CJ pulled her hand away from Andy’s face abruptly, but she caught it in an instant. Andy intertwined their fingers, understanding exactly what CJ was asking.

“No! No, of course not, I would never do that. I just-” she took a long shuddering breath- “I really hurt him.” 

CJ stayed silent, knowing that she would talk when she was ready. After a moment, Andy let out a long sigh. 

“I called him sad,” she said quietly. 

She opened her mouth to say something, but Andy kept talking. 

“I told him he was too sad for me.” Her voice hitched, like it was paining her to relay the story. 

“I- I said he was angry, and cold, and didn't trust anyone. And, God-” she let out a dry sob- “I told him that I worried about the kids, about whether he would show them that the world was for them. I told him he was sad.”

CJ’s eyes filled with tears as she talked. 

“Oh, Andy,” she breathed. 

(How could she say those things about Toby? Toby, the love of her life. The father of her children. Why would she do that to him?) 

Andy looked like she was about to cry, staring stubbornly at her babies to give her eyes something else to do. 

CJ knew that she was already beating herself up, but couldn’t stop herself from saying something anyway. 

“He trusted us, Andy. He may not trust everyone, but he trusted us.” 

_ And you broke that trust.  _

Andy knew that truth painfully well- it was what had been haunting her since she had said it. Toby had let her in. He had changed himself for her, to be better for her, and she had hurt him. Irreversibly, maybe. God, she hoped not.

“Did you mean it?” CJ asked, voice shaking a little. 

She knew the answer was no. She was almost positive it was. 

Andy scoffed at her question, refusing to answer. She didn't know what that meant. She knew she shouldn’t take it personally, though- the misdirected anger was just another wall the three of them had built to protect themselves, and had knocked down again and again. 

She kept talking, pushing through the cold wall of Andy’s anger to get to the truth. (She was an adult now, but in so many ways the same desperate teenage girl trying to explain what someone else meant by their harsh words. Always the translator, even now.)

“You can just explain. You can say that you didn't mean it, that you were just hormonal, or-” 

“Don't you dare spin this, CJ,” Andy snapped at her. “Don't you dare. You’re not at work, this isn’t a fucking press briefing. This is my life. You can’t spin this.” 

CJ got up from the bed abruptly. She couldn’t do this, not again. They’d had this fight too many times before, she couldn’t survive another round. She turned to leave, hiding the tears threatening to fall, when something clicked. 

“You wanted him to hate you.” 

Andy’s mouth opened for a moment, then closed again. 

“What?” 

“You wanted us to hate you. That’s why you’re picking a fight with me. You- you did that on purpose.” 

She knew she was right by Andy’s expression- a mix of regret and deep sorrow. 

“It hurts less if you hate me,” she said, trying to smile. 

CJ shook her head, trying not to overthink those loaded words. “No. It really doesn’t.” 

She had to go now, for real this time. 

“You’re leaving?” 

CJ nodded, squeezing her hand one last time. As she got up from the bed, placing soft kisses on each of the kid’s heads, Andy stopped her. 

“CJ, I-” she tried to speak, but couldn’t find the words. “I never wanted to do this alone.” 

That got her. CJ turned around, eyes flashing. A rant about how she wasn’t alone, not at all, was on the tip of her tongue. Then she stopped, realizing the truth of Andy’s words. 

She really was alone. They all were. This wasn’t the milestone they had all dreamed of ten years ago, of little kids running around the house while the three of them tried to sleep in their giant king bed. In those dreams, they were together. They had always pictured the future as the three of them against the world, and they still had that, in a way. Just not in the way they wanted. They were three passing points on a graph, always colliding but never for long. 

“I know,” CJ whispered in response. “Neither did I.” 

She felt the tears falling down her face and turned away before Andy could see, grabbing her purse and walking out of the room. As she left the hospital and got into the car, CJ took a deep breath. She had to pull herself together if she had any chance of getting through this day without breaking down. 

As she tried to calm herself down, CJ thought of the only two bright spots in this dark week. Huck and Molly. They were perfect, she thought, smiling. 

It made her heart ache to think about the twins, to think about what could have been. She could have been a mom. She could have lived with Andy and Toby, in Jefferson Wyler’s house, and she could have gone to work everyday to build a better country for her kids. Well, that one she could do- it wouldn’t be anywhere close to the same, but still.

CJ started the car with renewed strength, already thinking about the next thing on her agenda. As much as she wanted to sit there and think about the charged conversations she had with Andy, and the heartbreaking revelation of the proposal, she couldn’t. She had to get to work. They had a country to run.

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading!! i hope you liked it- leave comments and kudos and i will love you forever.


End file.
